Tuesday, April 30, 2002

I revised my resumé yesterday and sent it to the referral service to be attatched to my file. I hope I made a good decision in signing on to this service.

The whole family is still sick. Nasty cough and lungs of liquid lead. Though it seems to be on the improvement, it is really hard to get any sleep for Drie and I.

At least for the last few days we have awakened to a world bathed in sunlight and genuine warmth, even at 6:30am. It is good that spring is here. I hope everything goes well this spring and summer. This fall is endless with potential and possibilities, sort of like in O.S. Card's Alvin Maker series, when the torch-girl Peggy sees some futures as chaotic and undetermined. Life is only an illusion according to our perceptions. Could be great, could be completely unbearable, dependent upon my decisions and what dreams and blessings may come.

Sometimes I get really excited, but right now I just feel sick.

Bah.

Thursday, April 25, 2002

In some pastures around Sanpete, there is a particularly hearty grass growing anew. It grows in isolated clumps among the rest of the grasses. If left alone by hungry livestock, it will grow six inches long and more and stay green all summer. In some pastures where no animals have grazed for a while, it grows roughly as big as a tire and in patches only two feet apart, more or less. It's greener and more prolific than the rest of the grass. I call it 'buffalo grass,' and like to watch it grow through the spring and summer here and there.

Last year the kids cut our few wee patches down to feed to the horses next door. It was fun for all, except me, who felt like a friend had been shorn of her lovely tresses and left to cry. Sentimental attachment to an unidentified species of grass. I must truly be a city-slicker at heart.

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

Sun's out.

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

It's looking like another of my sudden bursts of blog entries, folks. And who can blame my besieged mind for this fuselage of thought, if not eloquence?

There have been many lay-offs and a dearth of employment for quite a few in my circle of friends and family in the last few months. Quite a few hurt feelings and moments of doubt going around. It's happened to me before, and it has always set me thinking and introspecting. This one seems to have struck quite deeply at my personal worth and hope for our world.

I teach at-risk and troubled youth, those called nowadays "fragile; emotionally, socially or scholastically." Really, those who have a need for some special or personal attention in school. My program is off to the north of the main high school, and in attention and funding, has always been somewhat figuratively off to the north of the main school.

I've been very attentive and what I hope has been helpful to the students, the administration and faculty of the high school. Though being naturally introspective and less than gregarious or perfectly confident in my social deportment, I have not been the most energetic or outgoing teacher in the school.

This is the rub. When one is released from employment, especially one that is seen as a labour of love or service, the released individual feels a personal responsibility, and indeed, fault for the lack of need for the services of that individual. I am haunted by regrets regarding my style of teaching and what I have felt for a while is a lack of inventiveness or energy for the sort of go-get-em activities which might have engendered more visibility or pizazz for our little program. But I have to remember the old "you can only do what you can do" concept. But I feel the pangs of real or irrational regret, nevertheless.

I feel very tired and inconsequential right now.

And there are no jobs here in Sanpete.

But we have always been taken care of, in spite of my shortcomings and weaknesses in the ways of the world, so we will go on with that continued faith.

Our world has been pretty shaken up, and looks to continue so for the foreseeable future. Wish us hope and the blessings that need come.

Monday, April 22, 2002

Good morning, folks. You witnessed history in the making last Thursday. As you could see, I got "workforce reduction-ed." Our little school district has a budget shortfall of around $425,000, so some things have to be done away with. We have a less-than-desireable population and a less than normal attendance and class numbers, so the Transitional Learning Centre got the axe. I reckon it's somwhat logical and pretty predicable, but i was reassured by so many for so long that all was well. No big deal, my situation is much better than some in this economy.

We are looking into moving to Logan to work on Master's Degrees and hope we can sell our house here in Spring City and buy one up in Logan. It sounds like a big longshot, but maybe with a bit of blessing and this reasonably good lead time on the whole shebang we can make it good.

What a life this is. Something to be examined at any rate.

Thursday, April 18, 2002

The weather here has turned wintery again. Announcing itself with sixty mph winds from the south, this round of snow storms has been both blessing and bother. Lots of roofs were blown off or at least damaged, and as the wind died down, so began the precipitaion. There are a few leaky roofs around the valley for sure.

My parents came to town for a couple of days and played wih the kids, spoiling them terribly and completely. The kids drew pictures and read stories to their grandparents, loving every minute of time with adults other than their own parents.

As this bit of snow melts off and goes down stream toward Delta and the alfalfa fields, i dream of the summer and the new

ah, screw it. The superintendent just came by. He told me i don't have a job next year. Shit.

Tuesday, April 9, 2002

The grass around the valley is tender and green in places that went unwatered during the late summer drought but is still brown and rough where it was watered up to the end of the season. Metaphors, anyone?

this afternoon the sky is somewhat overcast and it's cooler than it has been for the last little while. It's been a beautiful spring to go with that long, cold winter we had here in Sanpete. My students had a rough time last week with the spring fever and transition, roughhousing and getting generally loud. Now they're dazey with the transition to daylight savings time. I think we all miss that wee hour. Now if they'd wake up just a little bit, perhaps we could end the school year with some credit earned...

Friday, April 5, 2002

Eahhh, what the heck. Might as well write something down. Today is parent-teacher conference day here at North Sanpete High. I've had one parent so far, the rest of the day has been pretty quiet.

I don't feel like i am doing all i can do to make this a beter world. Just not enough energy, not enough time. I am at one of those times where i feel like there is something that has to change pretty quick in my outlook and daily life. I've got to find a new outlet and input to keep my body coursing through the cycles of day and night.

The world is so different nowadays. There is much to distract attention away from what affects the soul from the standpoint of the family and community while there is much from the press that reflects the huge amount of human drama that comes from all parts of the globe. Sort of a push-pull tug of war going on with the emotions. What is the result. I guess you could ask me some other day, when i have enough energy to plumb that depth. There is something there, i know it.