Tuesday, April 23, 2002

It's looking like another of my sudden bursts of blog entries, folks. And who can blame my besieged mind for this fuselage of thought, if not eloquence?

There have been many lay-offs and a dearth of employment for quite a few in my circle of friends and family in the last few months. Quite a few hurt feelings and moments of doubt going around. It's happened to me before, and it has always set me thinking and introspecting. This one seems to have struck quite deeply at my personal worth and hope for our world.

I teach at-risk and troubled youth, those called nowadays "fragile; emotionally, socially or scholastically." Really, those who have a need for some special or personal attention in school. My program is off to the north of the main high school, and in attention and funding, has always been somewhat figuratively off to the north of the main school.

I've been very attentive and what I hope has been helpful to the students, the administration and faculty of the high school. Though being naturally introspective and less than gregarious or perfectly confident in my social deportment, I have not been the most energetic or outgoing teacher in the school.

This is the rub. When one is released from employment, especially one that is seen as a labour of love or service, the released individual feels a personal responsibility, and indeed, fault for the lack of need for the services of that individual. I am haunted by regrets regarding my style of teaching and what I have felt for a while is a lack of inventiveness or energy for the sort of go-get-em activities which might have engendered more visibility or pizazz for our little program. But I have to remember the old "you can only do what you can do" concept. But I feel the pangs of real or irrational regret, nevertheless.

I feel very tired and inconsequential right now.

And there are no jobs here in Sanpete.

But we have always been taken care of, in spite of my shortcomings and weaknesses in the ways of the world, so we will go on with that continued faith.

Our world has been pretty shaken up, and looks to continue so for the foreseeable future. Wish us hope and the blessings that need come.

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