T. Herman Zweibel has sold The Onion to the China-Men!
The Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries and Polymer Injection Group has announced the acquisition.

Just one of the quality products made by this conglomerate:

Taste Stick
Kids, you want a stick that has your favorite tastes attached to it. From lychee to trout, to even Chinese boar, there are more taste options than stars in the sky! Apply with caution to your tongue and then enjoy the tastes.

I, for one, welcome our almost obviously inevitable Sino-overlords!